Garbage Day! ***This post is rather messy. You have been warned!***

As usual, it is 5 am and I have spent another sleepless night in Philadelphia. There just seems to be so much on my mind lately. I keep pushing everything to the back of my brain, cramming more and more thoughts away so that now my head could be compared to the overflowing garbage pail that you keep ignoring and know needs to be dealt with but you don't want to touch it now because you know it's going to be a huge pain in the ass. Yeah. My neck is supporting a trash can. 

Time to take out some of the trash!

My 21st birthday is on Sunday. For the past 3 months I have been planning an exciting birthday party for myself with friends back in FL. I was completely stoked about turning 21 until this past week. I know the party will be terrific, I mean, there's going to be Pudding Wrestling! Excellent! But instead of eagerly anticipating my alcoholic legality, I'm getting anxious about being an official "Adult". 

I find that with each passing day I am questioning my life more and more. 

I think a lot about the fact that I have never been alone. Until age 14 I had my mother to fall back on. Medical Complications changed things. I turned to boyfriends. If one relationship failed, I jumped right into the next, afraid to be alone. I think I have been single a whole 2 weeks, collectively, in the past 7 years. (That can't be healthy, can it?) I think I gipped myself out of independence. I always had someone to look to for acceptance. Someone I tried desperately to please. If I made them happy, I was happy. That was all there was to it. Make him happy, whoever "he" may be.

Well "He" is currently Nick. And I have been making Nick happy for 3 and half years. And Nick has certainly been the best boyfriend I've ever had. He has always been there for me and supported me in everything I do. But, (you knew there was a "but" coming, didn't you?), I'm not happy. I thought I was for the longest time. We made plans, we talked about our future together. But we don't want the same things. I want a bigger life. I want more than there is back home in FL. Nick is happy there. He has his own house and great city job. He is content and he has found his niche. I am very happy for him. Yet, although I do not know exactly where I want to end up, I know I don't want to live my life in my old hometown in FL. 

And I think about this all and I come to the conclusion that...

I think It's time I just be me. 

Those words are so much easier to type in this blog entry than they are to enforce in real life, however. I have had this thought for some time now, buried at the bottom of the trash can. But it just lurks down there, untouched and festering. I know the longer I take to deal with this the worse it's going to get. Why can't I just break things off and do my own thing?

I'm scared. 

And that's all I have for you right now, at 5 am this beautiful Monday morning.